Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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