he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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