absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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