a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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