And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
