They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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