i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
