I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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