Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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