I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Betty ford says i'm here all night
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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