Please, let me fuck your mom
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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