I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
