so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
