i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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