Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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