i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
