Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
the room spins SO much faster in panama
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
