$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
