my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
