EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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