You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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