I hate your face
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Why is there bacon in the couch?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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