Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
