I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Never underestimate the power of titties
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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