I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Blood and glitter go together right?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I pour the whiskey from now on
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
