Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
