We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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