Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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