haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
