how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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