Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
