Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
