im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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