the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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