Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
