I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
