My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think my vagina is haunted
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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