hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
