we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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