So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
