My nipple is on Facebook.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
