Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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