At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
