i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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