New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
