At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Still dying that you shit outside
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
