Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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