hotel room ftw
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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