I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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