I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
