I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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