What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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