hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Randomize
