wanna go halves on a baby?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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