I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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