i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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